My first STD was from a foam party
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
