My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
