i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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