Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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