I cannot find my penis.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
