saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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