i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
