You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
