I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
