I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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