I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My breasts were aching with rage.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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