he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The air taste purple.
Randomize
