It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
