omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
