My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
