Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
