He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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