They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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