i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
