don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
