Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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