giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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