I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
