he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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