This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
