dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
