I smell stomach acid.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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