so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
