Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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