Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
