I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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