his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
