He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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