he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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