It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
