I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
