Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
