my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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