college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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