why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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