He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
