I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
