I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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