I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
