you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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