Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
