I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
