I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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