i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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