Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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