I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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